Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Looked at the ceramic fish some more. Some of them are clearly made from a mold of a real, live fish. While I admire the accuracy and lifelike effect achieved by this means, there's little to no artistic input on these. They are simply a painted or glazed mold of a real fish. I would not feel comfortable about using this method. The other fish vary, but none of them look quite like mine...so I guess there's no point in being bummed out about this.

On to the more stressful topics:

I feel like I'm being treated like a piece of merchandise with a short shelf life, as if I have to belong to someone, as if I have no inherent value except as a thing to be owned and...I don't know how to put it. I'm not a dog in an animal shelter that hasn't been picked up by its owner and now needs to be adopted by someone else! Just because I'm alone doesn't mean that there's a pressing need for me to hook up with other people. It's not like I'm going to be gassed or put to sleep due to being unattached.

I've been celibate for about a year now and I can't say that I regret this. I don't want casual, meaningless sex or to screw around with someone due to a sense of obligation or just because. Making love should be about bonding, expressing love, sharing so much more than one's body, there should be some kind of commitment to it. If it's not going to be like that, then I can take care of myself and forgo the performance anxiety, the risk, the drama, the comparisons and complications...and of course, the rejection and abandonment stuff. I am not this way due to a lack of options or interest from other people, but rather because I absolutely refuse to settle for anything other than a union which I can sink my entire soul into.

And no, telling me that my stubbornness is going to result in a life of solitude and perpetual unwantedness isn't going to alter my position. At all.

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