Sunday, July 29, 2012

So, it's been a week since I came back from NPYM Annual Session. I came back feeling great, right up until I went to my therapist the next afternoon. She's been sharp with me before and I didn't dump her, so I don't know if going to Yearly gave me the perspective to do this or if it was simply the last straw. I cannot undergo trauma therapy with someone I don't trust and feel safe with, and she's been doing less trauma therapy and more of other stuff anyway. I am no longer angry, but am done. I don't need to be broken up and upset for two or three days when I was in a perfectly good frame of mind going in.

And the trauma therapy? I don't know. Writing, whether in type or on paper, helps, as does art. Here is the thing though: there is a very good chance I won't be in another relationship, not because of the trauma issues but because I am no longer willing to settle. Also frankly, the way things are right now, I don't trust myself anymore, don't trust my own perceptions. The mere idea of opening myself up like that, of being vulnerable to yet another person fills my chest with panic, makes my breath feel scarce, makes me feel like hiding and running away. How relevant is trauma and dissociation in certain situations or settings in this case? Perhaps the time and energy would be better spent in other directions. In any case, the topic of sexual trauma was hardly approached with this therapist after the initial intake.

Not a very happy topic; sorry for that. I am doing well enough despite the tone of this post.

No comments:

Post a Comment